Today

Well, today is the first day of the rest of your life as they say.  They say a lot they do.  Whilst it's nice to know that my life is going to continue (inshallah) it would be even even better to have some sort of idea about what I am going to do with it.

Suspicion of Self

Suspicion of self (or SOS) is a way of describing a belief we have about ourselves. For example my core belief is that there is something wrong with me ie I am fundamentally defective. Now for most of my life this has not been a conscious belief but it has been the force that has driven a lot of my negative behaviour.

I will seek evidence in all areas of my life to give credence to this belief. Today I finished a report and shared it with the necessary peoples. I then read similar reports written by my colleagues and compared my own to their's - negatively of course.

Transplant Dreams

I have been in hospital since 19th December 2010 apart from 3 wonderful weeks of freedom in March.

One night I dreamed that they were cutting my head off and reattaching it. Now I am awaiting a stem cell transplant. Nothing is being cut off but there is a plan to change things. The transplant will change my blood group. My current bloodgroup (that's like saying my current eye colour or gender) is B negative. I have always been quite proud of having such an uncommon venous circulation - shared by only 2% of Brits.

I donated blood once when I was about 19. It ran slowly and they gave up after a few mls. Unfortunately a few years later I had a brush with hepatitis and that ended my relationship with venal philanthropy. Since the leukemia diagnosis entered my life I have had the privilege of receiving many gifts of blood and blood related products. Those 2% guys have really shown up. I have blessed every bag that has entered my body. It's all anonymous donors but I would love it if they had their names on the bags - this product was donated by .....

What I did see clearly marked on the bags was B negative. Be negative........ Could it be that my own body has been giving me subliminal messages all these years? No wonder the glass was half empty and there was never enough. Now, with the possibility of a transplant looming comes the opportunity to change my blood group.

BerNearly a year post SCT

Well, it's coming up to a year since my transplant.  I have recently returned from a week's holiday in Istanbul and am nursing a nice cough.  It appears that my immune system does not like any serious divergence from my usual activities and punishes me with a cold.  Cough, cough, cough!  Istanbul was fabulous and fantastic and so Turkish.  I will never forget the daytime boat ride on the Bosporhorus and seeing the porpoise breaching the turbulent waterway or the evening trip with the cacophony of sound and glaring lights.

I don't have to go back to the hospital until August.  All bloods have continued to be 'perfect' for the last 9 months or so.  The threats of CMV and Epstein Barr remain dim memories and I have been off the immunosuppressants since December.  I have gained over 2 stones in weight (which my consultant thinks is a good thing but I had got quite happy with being skinny) and now have a head of snowy white, curly hair.  It's all a far cry from 18 months ago when I was told there was maybe an 8% chance of my making it!

I have since found out that the two women of a similar age to me that were treated around the same time did not make it.  RIP Gabrielle and Bernadette.  I am very fortunate to be here.